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A Christmas wish list is usually a kid’s thing, but since we’re talking about fictional, completely made-up characters here, why not?
Have you ever thought about what some of your favorite TV characters might like for Christmas?
For some, it’s not too hard to imagine. Others are a little more tricky.
After all, no one thinks Cersei Lannister is pining for a Plantgem Garden in a Box unless it comes with seeds for Water Hemlock or Deadly Nightshade.
Regardless, it’s an interesting and fun thought experiment throughout the holiday season when everyone is going bonkers over Walmart parking spaces and fighting in the ‘Return’ lines.
M134 Minigun – Joffrey Baratheon – Game of Thrones
I know what you’re all thinking: Joffrey Baratheon could have won the Game of Thrones if only he had something better than a crossbow and a “sweet, caring” disposition.
If anything, the last two seasons would have been much more entertaining than the crap fest David Benioff and DB Weiss delivered.
Joffrey was a terribly misunderstood character, and in modern times, his inclination for manic sadism and narcissistic rage is nothing a good middle school guidance counselor couldn’t fix. Throw in a minigun, and he becomes the penultimate redemption arc.
If you need a refresher course on this particular mini gun, Predator and Terminator 2 are fine examples of the destructive firepower this puppy is capable of dishing out.
Now, imagine such raw power in the hands of a gleefully grinning Joffrey Baratheon. Who needs a dragon when you can turn the Black Dread into an oozing, twitching sponge at a rate of up to 4,000 rounds per minute?
All Joffrey needed was the opportunity to show everyone what a just, fair, and benevolent king he could be, and with a minigun on his Christmas wish list, that goal was within reach.
Unfortunately, the powers that be deemed it not to be so. We got purple-faced, choking Joffrey instead of a demonic loon standing behind an M134. Oh well.
Watch Game of Thrones Online
Jamie Fraser Blowup Doll – ‘Black’ Jack Randall – Outlander
Black Jack Randall is the Ramsay Bolton that Ramsay Bolton should have been — a far more believable sadist who eats, sleeps, and breathes the agony of others.
Randall’s lone flaw is his comprehensive obsession with Jamie Fraser, a man who unwittingly draws out Randall’s latent homosexuality and hatred.
Jamie brings out the best and worst in him in Outlander, with the ‘best’ being an inhuman desire to dismember every aspect of Jamie’s existence just to watch the man writhe within the cold agony of his losses.
But, even the likes of Black Jack are capable of getting into the spirit of the season, and nothing would satisfy Randall’s obsessive lust for Jamie Fraser than a blowup doll of the same name and likeness.
Of course, some of the devilish delights that Randall takes part in would likely deflate the poor doll, so he’ll have to alter some of his more violent and extreme practices.
Randall is nothing if not versatile in his demonic inclinations, however, and I’m sure he’ll figure out a delightful role for a Jamie blowup doll within his day-to-day demands.
Watch Outlander Online
A Metric Ton of Xanax – Carmy – The Bear
There are few people in this world who need to calm the hell down more than Carmy of ‘The Bear’ fame. Granted, Carmy’s entire family is suffering from some degree of psychological neurasthenia.
Nor does he surround himself with the most mentally healthy people. Sydney is probably the calmest of the bunch (maybe Marcus), but she has her moments as well.
As a psychological comedy, The Bear and Carmy’s role probably stresses people out in the real world more than their jobs and home lives do.
When he’s not a walking example of PTSD, he’s dealing with self-inflicted perfectionism, repetition neurosis, or general anxiety. The guy simply needs a truckload of Xanax on his Christmas wish list in a bad way.
It will probably take a metric ton of the stuff to calm him the hell down and get him through a single day without projecting his own meltdown on those around him.
At least he has a singular focus: getting the restaurant up and running and making it a perpetually successful fine-dining business.
Now, if he could just calm the hell down for five minutes, he might not go into cardiac arrest before he hits the grand old age of 35.
Watch The Bear Online
Udemy 21-Day Charisma-Boosting Course – Geralt of Rivia – The Witcher
Poor Geralt. The Witcher began with so much promise, with Henry Cavill in the lead role. But, alas, this too shall pass. There were signs in Season 2, but Season 3 really went downhill.
At some point, The Witcher became a show about everyone except for The Witcher. Now that the lead role doesn’t lead much of anything, Netflix went out and found a replacement actor with all the charisma and personality of a doorknob.
Liam Hemsworth is the less famous Hemsworth brother for a reason. He’s the guy you call when you need more side commentary in your B-movie. He’s the kid whose Christmas wish list is usually ignored in favor of hand-me-downs, clothes, and presents Chris Hemsworth doesn’t want.
Watching him in The Hunger Games makes people want to repeatedly slam their faces into hard, immovable objects. He would have been fine in The Vampire Diaries or One Tree Hill, but alas, Nepotism is alive and well in Hollywood.
Imagine taking every role Henry Cavill ever played and replacing him with Liam Hemsworth. Yeah, it’s that bad.
Geralt needs a charisma and personality-boosting course on his Christmas wish list this year to send The Witcher off on a good note by the end of Season 5.
Watch The Witcher Online
A Controlling Stake in Milk Stork – Homelander – The Boys
For a megalomaniacal wannabe despot with ambitions for world domination, Homelander sure loves breast milk.
But why should Madelyn Stillwell have risked her life or Firecracker (her lactating replacement) risk her life when Homelander can simply add Milk Stork to his Christmas F***ed in the Head Wish List?
Milk Stork advertises itself as “breast milf shipping for moms and employers.” Well, Homelander isn’t exactly a mom, but he’s more than happy with Firecracker playing that role in The Boys.
Firecracker went the extra mile by taking medication to force her body into lactation mode, and, besides her unhealthy obsession with all things Homelander, she doesn’t have to.
Since its inception, Milk Stork has successfully shipped over 11 million ounces of breast milk. Now, Homelander can indulge in an unlimited supply, boosting Milk Stork sales and improving employment and deliveries in the process.
It’s all for the economy and Homelander’s insatiably infernal lust for the product of twin comfort melons. Firecracker may be an obsessed fan, but her calcium cannons can’t possibly keep up with the raging breast milk gluttony of a doofus like Homelander.
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Motherly Advice from Norman Bates – Oswald Cobblepot – The Penguin
Oz has a burgeoning empire to construct, a confused sidekick to tutor, and a hodgepodge of powerful families and gangs to deal with. The last thing he needs is a Christmas wish list unless it comes with crisp, clean stacks of $100 bills.
His overtly sexual connection with his mother is weird, for sure, and he’s had no end of trouble handling her mental mortification throughout the season.
What better expert to turn to than the legendary, infamous Norman Bates, who essentially turned his mother into a telepathic, everlasting corpse?
Norman Bates found a way to truly connect with his mother, and there’s no more adept person for Oz to turn to. Granted, Bates’ mother is basically beef jerky and dust in an old chair, but she’s still able to hang around and dominate his life in perpetuity.
Oz may believe that his entire life is an effort to live up to her frantic and delirious expectations, but he’ll never find out if he’s successful if she’s room temperature and pushing up daisies in Gotham Cemetery.
Salting and dehydration require time and preparation, and Oz can use both Bates’ advice and his methodology. The sooner the process begins, the sooner Oz can expand his ‘worthiness’ timeline in The Penguin.
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Doberman Pinscher Pup – The Ghoul – Fallout
Georgia Dow released a therapist analysis of The Ghoul and his dog, lovingly denominated as ‘Dogmeat.’ Apparently, Dogmeat, a Belgian Malinois, is a sort of service dog for the Ghoul, reminding him of his humanity and, perhaps, his previous dog (from his human life), Roosevelt.
Herein lies the problem. Roosevelt was a blue merle border collie, while Dogmeat is a Belgian Malinois. Yawn. The Ghoul is a violent survivor in Fallout who cares very, very little about the lives and well-being of those around him.
At more than 200 years old, he’s done a fair job at keeping his head squarely on his shoulders and his feet moving forward. For that kind of lifestyle, a Belgian Malinois is like bringing a chihuahua to a knife fight with a hundred opponents.
Belgian Malinois were bred for herding and taking on hard work. They have stamina and agility, but Dobermans were bred for aggression, defense, and war. In fact, there’s a shrine for Doberman veterans at Marine Corps Base, Quantico.
They don’t build combat shrines for Border Collies and Belgian Malinois. The Ghoul’s Christmas wish list should have a Doberman pup on it. Maybe then, he wouldn’t have to stab the thing and heal it again.
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Have you ever wondered what your favorite unhinged characters might request for Christmas?
Leave us a comment below and let us know if we’ve hit the nail on the head with the gifts listed above or if we’re totally off the mark!
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