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[Editor’s Note: Originally published 12/24/16. This is one of my all-time favorite “Dust-Offs” from Scott, so I had to re-share it for Daily Dead readers in time for Christmas. Happy Holidays from the Daily Dead team! – Jonathan]
’Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the land
Mommy and Santa, were getting on grand.
This threw little Harry, into such a tizzy
He grew up demented; delusional, dizzy.
He spied on the children, through windows he peered
To check if they’re nice, or if they be jeered.
He kept a big book, with names he did fill
Those who did or did not, follow St. Nick’s will.
His job at the toy plant, was covered in scorn
Co-workers would trick him, to work until morn.
He tried to be nice, and swallow his hate
But when they pushed Harry, ’twas too little, too late.
In full Santa gear, he took to the road
With presents for children, he had a full load.
His nondescript van, could give some folks pause
A sleigh painted on the side, a pedophile Claus. (Relax! He wasn’t.)
But though he was decent, to kids who were good
He terrorized the bad, ’til they understood.
He hid in the bushes, little Moss he did scare
The poor little boy, filled his underwear.
And while out driving, Harry came ’pon his bosses
Smarmy and smug, they oozed wins and losses.
With an axe he did greet them, brought down on their head
No sugar plum fairies, as now they were dead.
The toys Harry brought, to the kids with delight
A hospital filled with those in a plight.
While Harry was crazed, his cause it was pure
Was HE the real Santa? He couldn’t be sure.
Next he slayed cohort Frank, with a pillow ’tis certain
Frank didn’t say much, ’twas his final curtain.
Soon after the crowd, did chase Harry’s St. Nick
With fire and venom, like an old monster flick.
He truly believed, in gift-giving well
But Harry was trapped, in his own mental hell.
So much so he thought, his pedo-van could fly
The mileage was good, he blazed ’cross the sky.
In truth his sleigh, took a terrible tumble
“This night really sucks,” he thought as he grumbled.
Though well intentioned, Harry had gone quite mad
The tone of the film, not jokey; rather sad.
Lewis Jackson, directs this with ease
Compared to other Santa flicks, it’s not laden with sleaze.
Instead it’s a study, of a dour, lonely boy
Who was blind to all things, except Christmas joy.
A perfect vision of Santa, did dance in his head
He could have been normal, but ’twas Mommy that Santa did bed.
We side with Harry, Brandon Maggart you’ll thank
For making him decent, but weird, not skeezy or rank.
’Tis a fine cast, that Maggart has led
Including Jeffrey DeMunn, from The Walking Dead.
The overall feeling, is one of great pride
A Bad Santa film, not relying on snide.
But rather with whimsy, the ending is filled
No children were harmed, only grown-ups were killed.
And though you may feel, that you’ve seen them all
This one is special, please heed its call.
Although there are killings, that’s not its intent
Adults are just big kids, who should atone and repent.
Now that it’s sorted, and your viewing is right
Merry Christmas Evil to all, and to all a good night.
*With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore. But not really. He died in 1863.
Christmas Evil is available on Blu-ray from Vinegar Syndrome.
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