I Am Eating Everything on IHOP’s ‘Indiana Jones’ Menu

You clicked a link for a 3,000 word article about IHOP’s Indiana Jones menu?

You chose … wisely.

In conjunction with the new Xbox game Indiana Jones and the Great Circle, IHOP is now offering six limited-time items based on the pop culture’s most famous archaeology professor. IHOP’s Indy-fied creations include three different stuffed French toasts, and several dishes that showcase Indiana Jones’ canonical favorite food: Cookie butter.

(What? You don’t remember the classic scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark when Indy reaches into his satchel, pulls out a big jar of spreadable Speculoos, and roars “It belongs in a museum!”? Clearly you haven’t watched the Raiders director’s cut.)

READ MORE: 12 Movies You Never Knew Were Produced by George Lucas

Oof. There is so much bread in that picture. Today, I am going to eat all of it. Why, you (and my exasperated wife) might ask? Well, just like Indiana Jones, I take my job seriously. And for almost a decade now, my job as a movie journalist has included eating any menu based on movies (or, in this case, video games based on movies) available at big chain restaurants. In recent years, I’ve eaten Addams Family purple Whoppers and Beetlejuice Beetlejuice “Beetlejuicy Burgers.” I’ve inhaled a calzony shaped like The Batman logo and devoured IF dazzleberry pancakes.

Before you ask, let me state for the record: I have no clue what a dazzleberry is. Or what a calzony is, for that matter. Again, much like Indiana Jones, I am an explorer of the unknown; a man who risks his own life to recover objects heretofore unseen by mankind. The only difference between he and I (and I mean the only difference) is that I then eat those objects.

For help on this most perilous crusade, I’ve solicited the assistance of Griffin Newman, co-host of the Blank Check podcast and a fellow thrill seeker in the world of cinematic culinary curiosities. Griffin is also a very talented actor and comedian who appears regularly in movies and television series, so please whatever you do, don’t let him know he has much better things to do with his his time than eat cookie butter French toast with me. (It’s really helps when I don’t have to do this alone, and he’s the only person who says yes when I invite him.)

We just ordered the first of many courses of archaeologically themed breakfast items. Today, you can call us … Indiana Jones and the Eaters of the Promotional Tie-In Menu. (Please bear in mind, Indiana Jones is not eating with us. I reached out to Harrison Ford’s team to extend an invitation to him to eat French toast sticks at the downtown Brooklyn IHOP with Griffin and I. For some weird reason, I never heard back.)

Does IHOP’s menu in any way capture the spirit of Indiana Jones? That’s what we’re here to find out. But just like the classic film serials that inspired George Lucas and Philip Kaufman when they first conceived Indiana Jones, this article will be released in regular installments. So keep refreshing to see we narrowly escape doom, or get smushed beneath an enormous rolling pile of stuffed French toasted.

UPDATE #1

We’re going to ease into the Stuffed French Toast and start instead with the “Junior Adventurer’s Cookie Butter French Toast Sticks.” Think of this as the cold open where Indy finds the fertility idol before he spends the rest of the movie chasing the Ark of the Covenant. Only with more cookie butter.

IHOP describes this item thusly…

These French toast sticks are ideal for dipping in creamy cookie butter, making them a delightful discovery for any adventurer. Found alongside fresh strawberries and bananas. (850 calories)

Here’s what the item looks like on IHOP’s website:

And here’s what we were served:

We’ve eaten these dippers before, in a slightly different form. IHOP’s Wonka menu included the same French toast sticks with chocolate sauce (because Wonka) instead of cookie butter (because Indiana Jones, as we have already established, simply cannot get enough cookie butter).

The cooks at our IHOP have done a heroic job of recreating the plating from the menu, and I gotta say, French toast dipped in cookie butter: Pretty good. (The bananas dipped in cookie butter: Even better.) But Griffin and I are literally sitting here racking our brains to think of any way in which this might connect to the Indiana Jones franchise and coming up totally empty. Maybe there was an episode of The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles where kid Indy invented cookie butter by accidentally sitting on a big pile of Biscoff cookies?

All right at this point I am literally just stalling for time to avoid eating three plates of stuffed French toast. Let’s do this.

UPDATE #2

Stuffed French toast… why did it have to be stuffed French toast?

No seriously, why is there so much stuffed French toast on an Indiana Jones menu? What does that particular food — of all the possible foods you could use — have to do with Indiana Jones? I can’t think of a single notable French character or scene set in France across five Indiana Jones movies. (I guess it’s possible there might be one in Indiana Jones and the Great Circle — I haven’t played it yet — but if it does, I couldn’t find any evidence of one online.)

Admittedly, the only obvious connections between Indiana Jones and food are the chilled monkey brains and assorted other epicurean nightmares from Temple of Doom. While I would have admired any restaurants with crystal skulls big enough to put chilled monkey brains on their menu, you can understand why IHOP might have gone in a different direction.

Somehow that direction led us to a trio of stuffed French toasts. The first we’re trying today is “The Great Circle of Cinnamon.” Here is how IHOP describes it.

This treasure trove is layered with rich cinnamon spread and drizzled with a sweet cream cheese icing that will make you feel like you’ve uncovered an ancient culinary secret. (1240 calories)

Here is the picture on the IHOP menu:

And here is what we were served.

Well … they tried. And, much like Indiana Jones when he tried to keep the Ark of the Covenant away from the Nazis, they didn’t quite get there. If this is supposed to be the “Great Circle of Cinnamon” why didn’t they just do a circle of cinnamon spread on top? Wouldn’t that have been easier and more sensible?

More ominously, when we cut the two ginormous pieces of French toast, all of the various goos soaking into the top of the bread came pouring down onto the plate like the waterfall from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Does that count as theming?

Flavor-wise, this is fine, provided you’re in the market for the sweetest, cinnamon-iest French toast you’ve ever eaten in your life. It was going to say it doesn’t really nail the vibe of pulse-pounding excitement of Indiana Jones — but then I noticed my heart was pounding in much the same way it might while watching the great mine car sequence from Temple of Doom. But I think that just has more to do with my cholesterol level than anything else.

Two more stuffed French toasts to go. Will there be diminishing returns each time, much like the Indiana Jones sequels themselves? Stay tuned…

UPDATE #3:

After almost ten years of eating theme menus, I’m starting to understand what Indiana Jones meant when he said “It’s not the years, honey. It’s the mileage.”

Our next course is the “Berry’d Treasure Stuffed French Toast,” which is …

Gemstones of juicy glazed blackberries, raspberries, and blueberries and a drizzle of rich cream cheese icing, you can’t help but want to take a bit out of this berry’d treasure! (1210 calories)

Here is the extremely well-composed photo of the dish from the IHOP menu:

And here is the extremely not-well-composed photo of what we were served:

No, that’s not just the same photo of the Great Circle of Cinnamon again. The two dishes looked almost identical, except for the color of the ooze on top. On this one, there was a small spread of a sticky purplish liquid.

They did taste different though; instead of cinnamon, this one had berries — or at least what IHOP is calling “berry’d” sauce. But, as Griffin quite astutely put it, “I feel stupid for even saying this: It’s more artificially sweet than I was expecting.” There were no “gemstones” of berries that we could see or taste. Just a lot of sugar and a few tiny specks of what might have once been fruit back in the days of Archimedes and his Dial of Destiny.

Also, I’m not sure my overhead shots are quite capturing just how thick each plate of  “stuffed French toast is.” Here’s a side view:

Who needs this much bread, even if you’re eating just one of these? I’ve bought entire loaves of bread at the supermarket that contained less bread than this one plate of food. This berry’d treasure is going to be buried in my colon for an eternity.

Two down, one to go. I’m starting to feel like I just looked inside the Ark of the Covenant…

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